Today my students found out that I will be leaving next year. Their reaction suprised me and also made me sad to leave. They wanted to know why I would ever leave here. They wanted to know what I would be doing. I was asked if I would be packing everything in my car and driving there. One said I couldn't leave because I needed to stay and teach her brother. I told them I'd be teaching missionary kids, and one said, "You're leaving us for THAT?"
My heart is so torn. It is not torn between wanting to follow God or not. I pray daily that God will give me a heart that is undivdied in my devotion to Him. I am torn between my love for my students and friends in Eagle Butte and my love for my students and friends in the Philippines. I so wish I could be in both places at once. I keep reminding myself, though, that God has told me clearly that my time in Eagle Butte is just for a season, and that I am absolutely sure that this is God's timing for me to move on to the next phase of life.
Following God comes with sacrifices as much as it comes with joys. Not only will I be leaving my friends and family that I love so dearly, but I also am leaving the students and staff I've spent five years building relationships with. I remember during my first couple years year, my students constantly asked me why I would ever want to teach in Eagle Butte. The response I got today is the complete opposite of that. I also remember talking to a good friend and mentor five years ago and telling him I was planning to stay in Eagle Butte for 5 1/2 years, and he asked if I would be able to make it here that long.
I didn't just make it. I loved it. I still do. I think I always will.
This past Labor Day, my nephew and my parents came up to visit me in Eagle Butte. This was Ethan's first visit since he was a baby, and at 3 years old, he LOVED his time here. He got to see a powwow, a rodeo, jump in the bouncy houses, ride the carnival rides, sit in an ambulance, and play with auntie Amanda. I keep thinking about how he is going to always think of Eagle Butte as a fantacy land. :)
In a deepr way, I think I will have a similar view of Eagle Butte. Having lived here for five years, I know it is a far cry from perfect. In fact, it has a lot of ways in can improve. But I absolutely love it. I have not always enjoyed it. The first couple weeks I moved to Eagle Butte in the dead of winter five years ago, I cried myself to sleep every night. Boy, have things changed. I think part of the reason I love Eagle Butte so much is because I know that it is where God has wanted me these past five years. He has given me the grace to not only live here, but to thrive here.
This is why my heart is torn. My love for the people of Eagle Butte is strong, and I am having to leave. My love for the missionary kids of Faith Academy is also strong, and I'm looking forward to returning. With two strong loves, there will be heartache. Such is the way of life. By the grace of God, I will make it through. I pray that I will continue to develop my relationships with my Eagle Butte students for many years to come (thanks to Facebook!).
As God has been challenging me to pray big recently, He has shown me that one area where I need to pray big is for the salvation of my students. What if only one student comes to know the Lord? Maybe God will use that student to ignite a fire in the hearts of the other students in Eagle Butte, and when I come back for my first furlough in four years, maybe I'll see a very different Eagle Butte than I now know. God is more than able!
For now I grieve as I also rejoice. I lay my torn heart in the hands of my Loving Abba.